What Do People Want More Than Anything?

Interview with Psychologist Dr. Adam Dorsay

1. What moment or experience convinced you that connection needed to be the focus of your first book? 

After sitting with smart people in my office for thousands of hours, the thing they said they wanted more than anything was this nebulous thing called "connection." However, when I asked them what connection meant, they had trouble defining it. I knew I needed to define it and help them with ways to find it that were meaningful for them.

That is why I invested well over 20 months writing this book!

2. Which of the four types of connection do people struggle with most, and why? 

The answer is this: it depends. People struggle with all of the four ways. However, I will focus on one of them, the one that has the biggest effect on the other three: our connection to ourselves.  Not surprisingly many of us struggle to figure out who we are and what we are about due to external influences telling us who we should be.

We also have brains full of cognitive biases that further lead us astray.

These distract us. So, the big job is to have a strong, well-grounded connection to ourselves since the other three connection points are profoundly influenced and impacted by that primary source of connection.

3. What do you see as the biggest misconception people have about happiness – the belief that leads them furthest away from it? 

I'll begin to answer your question with a question: Have you ever had the experience of believing you would be happy when you achieved something?

Perhaps you were happy for a little while. But not long after, you likely returned to how you felt before your accomplishment.

Many people erroneously believe that when they achieve something, they will be happy forever. Unfortunately, that is a fallacy most of us have experienced.

In my experience, to have sustainable happiness, we need to be living lives that are aligned with our values. Figuring that out takes time and intention and the willingness to fail and persist.

4. Being self-aware doesn't automatically mean being happy. Why do these two so often diverge, and what gets in the way of turning awareness into genuine well-being? 

That is true, being self-aware does not automatically mean being happy.

Also true is that nothing automatically leads to happiness. 

And perhaps happiness alone is not the goal. A better target to aim for might be trying to find meaning and fulfillment. Is the thing we are doing meaningful? Do we find it fulfilling? Does it require energy from us and give us energy back? Do we lose ourselves in the thing? Are we learning and improving in some way as we do the thing?

I believe these targets are better and more realistic.

5. You describe loneliness as a public health crisis. What misconception about loneliness frustrates you the most? 

There are a few things that frustrate me around misconceptions of loneliness. The first is this: being alone does not necessarily mean loneliness. We can be alone and find it extremely fulfilling. We can find restoration in being alone if it is self-determined solitude and we choose a restorative activity.

We need solitude at varying levels in order to connect with ourselves.

Lastly, we can be around a lot of people and feel lonely (or even more lonely than being alone) when there's no real connection or when we try to fit in.

6. What's the first connection a person loses when addiction takes over – and how can that connection be rebuilt? Why do the things that cause harm often feel comforting, while the things that could heal feel so threatening?

Lack of connection to oneself can be a precursor to addiction. An addiction can be any behavior that causes harm, yet we persist with that behavior in spite of this.

The first connection that is harmed is our connection to ourselves. We dissociate from our thoughts and feelings. That harm continues on an outward trajectory: we harm others by ceasing to recognize our impact on them. It continues further because we prioritize the addictive behavior over our relationships.

The addiction numbs us indiscriminately from both our pain and from feeling alive.

For some, it may feel as though there are no other options than to continue the addictive behavior because it feels so protective. However, there are other options: seeking therapy, finding an activity that provides meaning and challenge, joining a 12-step program, volunteerism... these are just a few healthful alternatives to addiction. While these are the healthier options, they require vulnerability and courage (which can connect us with our pain as we heal).

When it comes to healing, the only way out is through.

7. How does surviving an extreme or life-altering experience reshape a person's perspective on the four types of connection? And where do you see the line between being broken by trauma and gaining meaningful wisdom from it?

Nietzche (and Kelly Clarkson) said versions of "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."

This is potentially true. It is also potentially untrue. It depends on how we cope after the experience. Do we cope by abusing alcohol and threaten our health and relationships? If that's the case, what didn't kill us made us weaker.

But what if we engage in art, therapy, journaling, or some other healthful activity to assist us through the healing? In these cases, we can improve our lives after the stressor. Once again, we have to face the stressor.

We all go through difficult and highly stressful experiences. How we cope determines the longer-term outcome.

 8. When you look at how people interact today, especially on social media, what separates a truly meaningful connection from one that only looks like a connection on the surface? What signals tell you someone is genuinely connected versus just socially busy?

I like the way Dr. Laurie Santos at Yale describes social media: it's the NutraSweet (aspartame) of connection. It can feel like we're connecting but our brains—which haven't changed in at least 35,000 years (possibly up to 100,000 years)—can tell the difference between a social media connection and a genuine connection.

Also, the brain can differentiate between an authentic connection and a strategic connection. That is, if the connection is intrinsic (good in and of itself) or extrinsic (only as valuable as the results derived from the connection).

We need both types, of course. But we must have some connections that are intrinsic.

9. Which books have influenced you the most – both personally and professionally — and why do they stand out for you?

Here are a few:

In fiction, The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) and The Shadow of the Wind (Carlos Ruiz Zafón), The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera), and A Personal Matter (Kenzaburo Oe). These books are timeless, beautiful, and contain philosophical truths that inform me to this day. I have read some of them multiple times, and I will never tire of them!

In non-fiction, Dr. Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. Dr. Frankl illuminated life's most primary and crucial truths when he examined his life during the most trying time in Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

Interview by Vladimir Tsankov